I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.
When you're about to leave, tell him "bye." At that point, he should say something. If he doesn't say anything, well, our drinks were free and he gets a free make out with yours truly.
Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.
its a saturday night. im home alone watching legally blonde, eating week old birthday cake and drinking milk out of the carton. so yeah im doing real well
My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden
She just told me she blew the waiter in the bathroom. Should I still leave a tip?
There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
New BDSM fun fact. When you get spanked hard enough with a flat object, you get welts. Welcome to thunderdome, bitches.
like, by the end of my shift people were asking if I'd sobered up enough to take a drink order yet. that bad.
I named my Roomba after my pot dealer. I have a problem, don't i?
You tried to tip the Uber driver with a meatball sub. Then, when he refused your meatball sub...you demanded he take you to the corner with the hookers. The valet has your keys and water balloons. I'm glad you're only in Chicago for the weekend.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
he's single and there are thong briefs.
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