I made out with a deaf person. Also I've been drunk 11 days in a row now.
She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch
we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.
Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.
I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.
You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.
she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.
Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.
Really because I got kicked out the eagles game for running up n down the steps singing ' fly eagles fly ' then punched a Dallas fan in the face before the game even started..
You're lucky I'm tired or I'd take a pic of me mounting a reindeer yard decoration
Dude, you flipped off a cat from my balcony and yelled at it to get a house
I just remember looking over and seeing you on top of him and us high fiving. That's when I knew we'd be perfect roommates
i've created a new STD.
Puking in the Ritz Carlton bathroom was actually kind of a nice experience
I have never in my life been turned down for sex until this weekend.
Welcome to my everyday.
She’s super into those renaissance faires. But, if you can’t actually stab anyone, what’s the point?
Randomize