You sprayed lemon pledge on your crotch because it was "dusty"
My patience ran out after you started clapping at the strippers everytime they took off a piece of clothing.
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
More or less binge drinking as a giant grape seemed justified
Just used the leftover candycorn for candycorn vodka. Our house is trying to continue the Halloween spirit for as long as possible.
Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
The 12 year old son winked and made eyes at me while his father fed me vodka gummy bears. Gameday yo
I'm drinking your booze since you ate my pop-tarts. I'm telling you this because I still don't think it's a fair trade.
What!? It's 7:30am on gameday. This keg is not going to drink itself.
He started to lick a stick of butter and was calling it Jennifer.
My life has turned into sitting in the driveway listening to Total Eclipse of the Heart while staring at the Blue Moon. Hey, August. Let's be nice. I need help.
What did we do lastnight that resulted in a $1,896 charge on my credit card with a $2,000 limit
Nope. Im a prince of the americas. I treat my women like future queens. Also, im drunk watching the royal wedding
You aaa... you ever forget to wipe your ass?
Randomize
