I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..
I just sold a pizza for the ability to listen to spice girls.
Breakfast is bomb, yo. McDonald's before ten thirty is like Katie Holmes before Tom Cruise.
i just saw a white kid with an afro using a martini shaker as a coffee thermos. go college.
sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.
my phone calendar just alerted me that it's "weed time" in 15 minutes. do not remember setting that alert last night...
Tried to dry my shoes in the oven last night.
Learn from me. Do not smoke cigs and fold laundry in your room. The cigarette will fall into the dresser without you noticing and your shirts will be on fire. Wanna go shopping tomorrow? I need some new shirts.
He sent a video of him jacking off....class will be awkward tomorrow
Appreciate the offer but I'm a huge fan of penis
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Can we both just take a day off just to have sex? Is that acceptable as an adult?
I'm shaving my vagina to the lion king soundtrack. How's your 9am?
I'm just hoping that with all the times he's puked in my yard a mushroom field might grow.
You kept crying and I couldnt help but laugh at you, I was really high though.
Randomize
