My insides feel lik shag carpet. It is awesome
im shaking like a drug addict and i almost just shat my pants when i sneezed...no more patron for me
i think she is mad at you for trying to take a shit in the back seat of her car
He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.
slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed
i think he spiked my sandwich with a viagra
Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.
I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.
Everyone here knows me as 'that chick who will most likely steal your girlfriend'. My 99% success rate tells me this name is acceptable.
Tomorrow I need you to slap me in the face. I'll explain then
My FitBit tracked the calories I burned during sex. Hello 2015!
Do you remember telling the Uber driver that "his cologne makes you want to bone"?
ABOUT TO MAKE THE BIGGEST MISTAKE OF MY LIFE, SEND HELP
Have fun and good luck.
Charging my vibrator at work. Pray to god I don't forget it!!!
A reply to my tweet is getting more likes than mine, the disrespect is real
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