Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?
You weighed it?
The guy in front of me in line at Starbucks looks kinda like Danica Patrick except he has a huge boner.
good. and stop kissing my girl you dirty slut.
i don't think she's still your girl..plus, she kept screaming "kiss me! i'm a lesbian!" last night so i think you're outta luck..
security doesn't like it when we pee on cars. or maybe just not theirs?
this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!
He asked me "did you used to go to church" while we were having sex.
It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.
The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...
So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.
The worst thing about him living around the corner is that who ever suggests the booty call is the one that walks over.
Is girls night deemed a success when you piss the bed?
my favorite sex position is the one where no sex actually happens we just get really stoned and eat a lot and watch netflix in the dark
I have vodka and 50 pizza rolls best spring break ever
Well in other news, my nipples are healing pretty well but next time I get drunk and decide to pierce something please for the love of god stop me!
Im too stoned for my mom to be picking up hitch hikers. Help.
Randomize
