His moose knuckle keeps winkin at me
awesome recipe for disaster- bar hopping at the airport
When I came home you were watching infomercials, eating croutons out of the box and salsa from a funnel. Well done.
flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final
i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet
yup, got lost on my way to the final. maybe i should have gone to this class all semester
I swear it's like I have a jerk off quota I have to meet each week. If I miss three days I have a wet dream and it's like a wasted jizz, and it gets everywhereeeeeee.
i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it
I'm thinking about that time I was in a trashbag and you spray painted my hair yellow
Learned my lesson. Pink pantydroppers out of a beer bong=deceiving
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
I cried at the bouncer while saying I wished he was my father... They had no idea what to do with me.
I just told the sun to stop. That hungover.
We are gonna sacrifice to and pray to every god in this world that he doesn't find out about her sleeping with his old roommate.
Living alone for four weeks has given me unrealistic expectations of pantslessness.
Randomize