this boner is exhausting
She said she didn't want to have sex because she was so torn up about "this whole NBC thing."
Wine smoothie.... Not as good as I thought it would be
Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.
I just realized that my phone was set to Brazilian time...what the fuck happened last night
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked
he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"
We were all in the pool and he showed up with a pitcher of margarita. Everyone swam over to him. He poured it directly into our mouths like we were a Sea World act.
Is it socially acceptable to break up with someone over snapchat?
I literally stopped banging her when my ESPN app alerted me that the Spurs had won. That's how much I hate Lebron. I would rather watch him cry in the post game interviews than get it in
This chick just walked by and pet my beard. Don't know, never talked to her. She just walked by and pet my beard.
Marry her
I fell asleep with a half eating burrito in my hand and woke up to cat vomit with burrito in it.
Sometimes i wish my vagina automatically turned itself off when i'm legally drunk.
Lesson Learned: It's not a party until someone pisses their pants.
Randomize
