He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.
TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES
This is going everywhere on the internet.
No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.
I got kicked out of the men's bathroom at the diner last night because i was straddling the sink attempting to pee with pants on. Beat that.
Remember when you fed me goldfish while I was -inside- of someone?
I don't know what weirder, the fact that I flat out said "I thought I deleted you from facebook" or that she responded with "I just hacked your account and readded myself". Never thought I'd say this but I wish drunk me would stop making friends!
As my straight cousin I need you to answer a question. Are the Astros a baseball team, and if so, are they good? This is flirting related and time-sensitive.
I feel like my map app knows I'm hungover and is strategically not driving me by fast food places so I cannot stop
Saw a dude last night at a strip club's bar eating canned pineapple and giving tootsie pops to the girls...
There is someone out there for you right now. And we will find her. Or him. Her. Her, we'll start with tits.
I just wanna get drunk and go sledding in my kayak
just like fucking own it. stare that cop in the eye and just keep masturbating "yeah motherfucker Im high as shit and this feels great"
Your friends are scaring the cats so I'm going to smoke weed with them to call them down.
I just matched the dude who's car I rear ended 2 years ago on tinder. I don't think he remembers.
Good!!! I'm so proud of you for not snorting alcohol. Big girl steps.
Randomize
