Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up
Spent $1500 on bottle service and have a lump on my head from hitting the nightstand while puking. Excess? Nooo Success.
I need like a "Cookong High for Idiots" book. Or a car.
And then I watched some old guy get arrested for meeting some other old guy for a blow job. It was epic.
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.
He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.
thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.
That is correct. I did in fact somehow pass out in the tanning booth for over an hour. And yes the attendant did have to open it up and shake me awake.
Got hereat 8. Had 6 beers 2 shots and a game of diZZY BATOS
I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
Allow me to explain. Triple D is a surprise. It's like if you're expecting to fight one person, then you get ambushed by more. Except it's a good ambush, because it's boobs, not death.
Oh, and Harry Potter. We could be fuck-and-Harry-Potter buddies.
I bet you my entire life savings of $0 that there's a Doctor Who porn parody and that it features the sonic screwdriver being inserted into some cavities
Randomize
