you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator
please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom
Did we literally take a cab across the street
Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.
My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.
Dude it was bad... like you fell asleep around the toilet after drinking from the back tank bad.
I had one glass of wine then passed out for 4 hours. It's like I'm having a quarter-life crisis.
I just found a weed leaf in my leg hair..
Somewhere in this city is a lost rubber penis that needs to find its way back home
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
To keep it classy I will take a pregnacy test on Mother's Day
So it turns out "let's pretend to be gay so guys will stop hitting on us" was step one in her plan to get me into bed...
I woke up with a chicken in my yard
Do you not remember hopping the fence into a chicken coop and screaming "choot em'"like you were on swamp people?
No recollection, can you come help me shut this thing up
Yeah I passed out. The last thing I remember is the lady telling me I couldn't play the clarinet with my nose.
He took off all my clothes, fingered me, than said "would you be more comfortable if I was naked too?"
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