im pretty sure i just saw someone trying to catch a fish with his penis
i perioded on his leg
on. his. leg.
I keep forgetting that I only have two nostrils.
You rolled out of the car, got on all fours and puked then just nonchalantly stood up and waved goodbye and thanks for the ride.
You just seemed really offended whenever my cup was empty.
The police woke me up so they had no choice but to see my morning wood.
Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym
You went down on Rachel in front me last night. Worst. Brother. Ever.
I am so excited I do not know how I will sleep.
It's like the Christmas morning of dicks
Super awkward that I just now realized I added no verb to the first statement about super hero porn. We were watching it, not making it. Clarity.
I had sex on a dinosaur comforter, tell me that does not define my life.
somehow a ride to walgreens turned into a threesome.
She was blacked out on the couch MASTURBATING and whispering to her boyfriend...who wasn't there. I yelled her name and she didn't even pause.
After I spend a passionate night with my vibrator, I have to awake and face my stuffed animals. Their beady eyes are full of shame and disappointmet. I can't deal with that level of judgement.
How did you get so drunk?
Alcohol.
Randomize
