youre lurking in front of me
You should be grateful to be my roommate. My booty calls always drive you places in the morning.
guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina
tell me how a rose bowl party involves waking up to find a raccoon in my kitchen cabinet eating my oreos the next morning?
We're not too concerned with getting her out of jail. We're on a mission for donuts.
Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.
Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.
IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?
Totally forgot we howled at the full moon last night... It's safe to say Tuesday Boozeday is my new favorite day of the week
Day drinking! Today! (tomorrow too!) Our place! Whenever you get off work! Ready go!
Twist to Josh's story, he had a gyro in his hand and never dropped it even after he got knocked the fuck out
Ladies don't puke and tell
Another guy on Tinder just asked about "the hotter girl" in my pictures. I fucking hate being your friend.
He got up in the middle of the show and returned with this massive ham shank, then offered me some by asking "wanna suckle on my hog." Should I be offended?
I'm totally picking out my shrooming outfit and blankets right now
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