It's not mothers day until you're vomitting syrup into grandma's toilet. Cherish the holidays
My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.
I think the old lady next to me at the bar just saw your pussy
My dad is so drunk he attempted to ride my two year old cousin's tricycle. For a solid five minutes.
So I pull up to an apartment complex and immediately felt like I was here to get stoned.
Told my prof I have mono so that he won't judge me when I show up hungover and looking like shit to class every day.
Just skip
Please. i have SOME standards
He brought me four big burritos and two joints! He can sleep with his bank teller any time he wants!
Literally just saw a 7 year old intently rub his penis on the metro. I'm not ready for this
Ew. He is mine. We all know that if he has a mid-life crisis and decides to sleep with a student, I AM THAT STUDENT. She's not friends with him on FB. Reassuring.
I have 3 bottles of vodka in my room telling me not to go to work tomorrow.
I threw your vagina at him like a grenade. And sweet Jesus he caught it like a champ
he just fucked me for my cheese.
you bet i'm gonna rock his four-foot-two world.
Drunk me also decided it would be funny to change all the passwords on my computer last night. Now I can't log into anything.
i now regret my decision on turning down your offer of sex in the backseat
Randomize
