im in a kiddie pool, high, with a keg in arms reach. If i had a sandwich and a blowjob this would be the best day ever
his internet history is a lot of porn, how to make a hovercraft and side-effects of jacking off too much
i just funneled a beer through a mask n snorkel.. can you check that off my bucket list..
we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?
succeeding
I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor
I drunkenly took 3 laxatives last night since I felt fat.... this is going to be a rough morning
Did I get stoned on a sunday afternoon and speak to someone on the phone for an hour about cats and their behaviour? Glad you asked. And yes.
He either works for the Irish Mob or I'm being Catfished
I find it ironic...the gays are dying to get married & I just want a fucking divorce
If he survived pride he can survive a gay bar
I was just hotboxing under my sheets and I got lost on the way out.
It was so scary.
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
You know it's bad when I'm eating a cold chicken breast alone in bed 😕
THERE IS A BABY THAT ISN'T MINE THAT'S GOING TO HEAR ME BEING SEXED!
To be fair, this is a tequila-while-rewatching-Benedict-Cumberbatch-as-Van-Gogh idea, so I don't know if it will hold up tomorrow.
Randomize
