Do you ever close your eyes when your having sex with your girlfriend and pretend she didn't get fat after high school?
we have a love-hate relationship...we love having sex but hate waking up next to eachother
She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.
you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.
I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.
The cop asked you if you had been drinking and you said you drank milk out of a cow.
I rememeber. I showed him the picture on my phone of me drinking out of the utter, right?
If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed
She carried my bag of puke down the aisle and the flight attendant wouldn't move the beverage cart so she put the puke bag in the flight attendant's face and said "I have a bag of sickness!" I've never seen a cart move that fast.
The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.
I feel like I have a very capable uterus.
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
When a guy asks for your ig but you already know his blood type, social security number, & mother's maiden name.
Well 1) stay calm 2) stay safe 3) drink more
I'm gonna have to start putting baby wipes and a change of pants in my bag. The amount of times I'm scared of shitting my pants in public is too high and I need the reassurance
You’ll (maybe) appreciate that I picked at my ingrown hair again. Quarantine updates are getting BLEAK.
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