I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.
Guess she heard her killer coming
He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day
Come on, video tape it. Take one for the team
Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave
That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy
I'm in the "I'd rather have Carbs than Dick phase" part of my Life right now. YOU tell me how much Skinny Sex I'm having.
As added birth control I warned him that if he knocked me up tonight I would name the baby Truck.
i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.
Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.
Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.
The security deposit's gone, let's trash this motherfucker
I need a drink. No, several. I need several drinks. Drunk, I need to be drunk. Definitely need to be drunk
So now I'm just going to brush my teeth, get high, and go to sleep. Like an adult
I went to steal condoms from your room and all I could find was chik fil a sauce
can you bring the lube to algebra tomorrow
Randomize
