I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.
just saw a dude in a v-neck sweater on a bike drinking starbucks. way to feed the stereotypes white dude.
After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone
I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.
The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE
Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie
She told me my pubes were as soft as "fine wool"
Thanksgiving Shitshow: My grandparents found me passed out on the bathroom floor wearing nothing but a scarf made of toilet paper
We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches
It's not an office Christmas party until your boss confesses his undying love for your boyfriend...
I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.
Hey I'm coming to get my gin do you want a good luck blowjob for your exam tmrw
Texting people and counting condoms..we have like fourteen. Goal for this week: use all of them
You were so fucked you introduced me to a pile of Laundry
I wondered why I slept in the front room
Started dabbing in blow again because he always hated that I did it. Yuh I’m doing drugs but at least I’m doing me?
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