I'm pants shitting drunk right now
You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night
He just yelled in the bar, "So I stuck it in two girls butts, why are you bringing that up now?"
I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance
No amount of marijuana is enough to justify blood on my ceiling
Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest
She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.
But think about it. I could put her gold medal around my penis
Quick question: is it impolite to pause sex to put on my knee brace?
I just took what could be the most awkward shit in my life, which considering my definition of awkward and my experiences shitting, is pretty fucking awkward.
...
I was sitting there doing my business and the guy in the stall next to me banged on the stall and asked me how to spell picnic because he wasn't sure.
How much money would it take for the bouncer to get us beers while we wait in line to get in?
$450 apparently whoopwhoop
If I don't get to have sex with him soon my entire female reproductive system is gonna climb out of my body and choke me to death
Got really high to see my fist college experience unfold. Too high to find my classroom but I found the McDonald's down the street
I just don't think it's that outlandish to ask that I don't get messages from my husband at 8:30pm on a Wednesday telling me he peed on our cat
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
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