One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.
My dad is complaining about how his computer keeps getting viruses. I don't have the heart to tell him he needs to stop downloading so much porn.
I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.
There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops
Fuck it dude, we gotta bounce before she starts talking about her steve irwin conspiracy
Dude he was freaking out because he thought he was walking on crates, and he just kept saying help me
I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation
Dude you chased a girl around the yard and then fell over the curb. Face first. You got up on your own tho so you reached champion status
Who suggested the eggnog wet t-shirt contest last night like whose idea was that
Speaking
Drunk wound on my leg hast healed and neither has my dignity
I apologize that you just fell victim to my random thought of how to make a blow job come to life via emojis.
I wasn't that gone.
Dude, you cried and said how sorry you were when we asked why you had the dip.
I still think he’s a fuckboy but he’s nice to me when I’m over.\nLike sets alarms for me in the morning and always makes sure I cum.
I. Am. Not. Tattooing. My. Penis.
I don’t want to brag, but vows, morals and will power are no match for my blow job skills
Randomize
