Let's just say he looked at my vagina like it was a rubics cube.
Rule #1. Nothing comes between you and fantasy sports. Not even a hot chick willing to give you a blow job
can your parents tell?
i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.
I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.
I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this
You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.
I seriously think I got run over last night.. My sides are bruised and I got a ride home in the limo from the office.
apparently I stole your wolf lighter. probably bc you made me howl while you puked over your deck railing.
I spy something regrettable...
Oh my god. Stop!! It was one time and I still can't believe it.
My mother is even happier about me having a sugar daddy than I am
I brought her cheeseburgers and tequila but she's still mad at me.
Don't do it. It's 9 am on a Monday morning and I'm hungover. I can't deal with tears right now.
I was stuffing my face while buying a brownie and coffee and some kid I fucked came up behind me and said. Someone's hungry.
Randomize
