I came back to the apartment and he was waiting for me, covered in mustard.
needless to say I left
i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick
Let's just say there's a reason that "suede" rhymes with "laid".
She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.
I just had to ask my dad for money to pay for my birth control. I've hit financial rock bottom.
I fell asleep with my vibrator still in me. I am the Queen of Sad Masturbation.
We made out for three hours. Then she said she didn't sleep with redheads and left the party. So yes, I'm still drinking.
He called my vagina a rainforest. This is coming from a guy whose pubes are longer than his dick.
If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.
This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again
RESPECT THE VODQUILA
I was told to keep my leg elevated. I assume it means to keep my legs on the air, it's like I was prescribed to be slutty
I'm convinced he's the patron saint of oral sex
I guess you could say that.. I mean, we did walk in on our DD doing a keg stand thru her ass.
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