I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.
You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.
Shut up. I did not.
I really wish I was making that up.
You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.
There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.
alright see you in the morning.
you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried
It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.
It was the best of bangs; it was the worst of bangs.
i came home to her naked eating chilli on the living room floor. Stop giving her jager.
Turns out the old man beside me in the waiting room was dead, but other then that it was a good day.
Dude, did you know, your blood is contaminated with over 17 non-beer fluids?
I woke up snuggling a bottle of water while Hercules played on Netflix. Whiskey Wednesdays
is there a way to say "yea i broke my wrist cause i fell down some stairs while tripping my face off on acid" without actually saying it?
She picked me up from the bar in her underwear.
I ended up in th ER yelling my height weight and age
I made it to work. Still drunk. Definitely pregnant.
i think we sleep fucked last night...
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