wakey wakey hands off snakey
she always made me post sex PB&Js it was like fucking a trashier Martha Stewart
Miserable. My projectile vomit just woke me up from a 5.5 hour nap.
Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?
i'm forwarding you the dirty picture of that fat girl that likes me sent . i feel like since youre my best friend you should puke in your mouth too .
I'm just glad you're the only person I can have a "remember when we thought I was pregnant" conversation with.
What if our hands were octopus tentacles?
You're an idiot.
Im pretty sure that girl just said "Im taking you home even if your girlfriend has to come too." Why are we here again?
Excuse me while I download incredibly disturbing porn until I'm more ashamed of myself than of my country.
Drinking loves me for WHO I am
Looking back on this weekend, I'm most grateful I never brought up with word "toe-fucking" at the bachelorette party.
You know what? The sex was so bad that I don't even care that I gave him strep.
You came in last night, ate an entire avocado in silence, and then told me I should never accept rides from strangers. Not sure I even want to know what happened to you last night!
You know you're old when you’re masturbating and you pull your hip
I guess when the asshole said “I really miss you and want to get back together” he actually meant “I’m banging a Hooters girl behind your back.”
I hope she gives him gonorhea
Randomize
