I just found out the FDA voted to ban Vicodin, my last connection to this world has been destroyed
dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.
he asked me to have sex with him by saying 'take one for the team'. so no we didn't do it.
Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.
His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'
So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.
I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?
She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked
When he pulls out of you and farts and says ahh I wanted to do that for the past 30 mins ....you rethink the next drunken hook up
There's no discreet way to sneak a cucumber into the shower lol
reason #1 why i should never live alone: i haven't put pants on since she left 26 hours ago. and ive made spaghetti 3 times.
I'm dedicating this beer to drunk texting
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
I don't know how guys can take themselves seriously when they see themselves naked
I just want to nap all the time and eat Chinese food.
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