What are you doing tonight?
Watching dora the explorer and pining for a sex life.
We all just poured out a sip of our drinks for you. One for our pussy whipped homie.
Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one
her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.
This dude is being a total douche
Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps
My mouth holds just enough water for my bong
I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil
I figure a girl that drinks as much as I do should always have pregnancy tests on hand
The strip clubs here are like a safari of penis, and I'm gonna bag me a rhino.
There's a cop, a pizza guy and a half naked girl outside along with a dog that I don't know. It feels like I walked into a Judd Apatow movie.
He's sweet and rough. A wonderful contradiction. He's the starburst of sex.
Note to self: don't practice nerdy white girl dance choreography in the company bathrooms no matter how nice the huge mirrors and lighting are.
my balls were so many shades of blue last night I could have used them as paint and replicated the entirety of Picaso's blue period. The girl was an art major I feel like this metaphor is appropriate.
didn't prepare for this snow storm at all. i only have like 6 beer and all my booty calls already went home for the holiday. this is bull.
dude, she has my telletubby sweats and my good sweatshirt hostage, I can't risk their safety with a breakup
Randomize
