Joe is a total sociopath, I'm going to hook up with him tonight
Two man bar crawl was hectic. Just found leaves in my pocket.
I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.
The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'
I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor
He showed up at my house, drunk, proclaiming that he needed to fuck me...my dad let him in
He stopped in the middle of having sex to ask me what shampoo I use. Apparently my hair smelled good
We're all just looking at each other quietly, hoping that no one brings up last nights shenanigans.
I'm gonna hop on that dick and ride it into the sunset
If the fate of the world hinged on some chubby girl getting laid, the president would dispatch me with a fifth of Jameson immediately and then rest easy.
Well, if it makes you feel any better I'll be drinking tequila and doing lines on Halloween. Just like old days.
Woke up this morning with fake blood all over my bed which is a positive considering last year it was all real blood
Do you ever get high and look at your cat and feel like you know them on an intellectual level?
He motorboated me, gave me a business card congratulating me on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.
Find him and marry him.
One minute I'm going home the next I'm getting railed on the back 9.
Randomize
