Well douche your snatch and let's go!
he confessed his love for me, threw up on my pillow and then fell asleep on said pillow. i met him last night.
better than last weekend. things are really looking up for you.
Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck
Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?
My cat gives me a boner
HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?
Taking shot for every red box on your worst bracket. I have 30. I might die tonight.
He is eating chips off the floor in the emergency room..
I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit
There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.
I'm having a really difficult time dealing with the fact that my dog now shares a name with Snooki's crotch-spawn.
I'm gonna write a book. Almost Awesome: all the times I ALMOST got laid.
It's all fun and games until your in the alumni campus center puking on the floor
I need water and some morals
I'm to childless and to single to be asking myself why I'm so sticky
Just an fyi, you also tried to wrangle a peacock last night.
In hindsight, maybe rearranging his living room because he has OCD while he was out wasnt the greatest idea. Though it'll keep him busy for HOURS
Randomize