I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.
is wine microwaveable?
found the other keg... it's in the tree
Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...
Look. You've gotta stop making this about you, and make it about my vagina.
not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...
She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed
Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.
She just laid there, sucking on a piece of steak, with the most content look on her face. Just before she passed out (steak still on her mouth) she said the cat box needed to be emptied
So in Aca Taco on grad night 1am, this bitch walks in alone drunk as fuck in her gown to the front of the line and says, "I graduated today...thank YOU"
Today was my cousin's Kindergarten graduation. I happen to also think of it as a MILF convention.
Apparently last night I yelled "the cops were called on a mother fucker and that mother fucker is me." And then proceeded to exorcise a sandwitch.
Every person I've ever had sex with is in Chipotle right now.
Were you seriously humming twinkle twinkle little star while cupping my balls?
I didn't have time to wash my hair yesterday. Ended up spraying some Febreeze on it.
Randomize
