Grossest hangover story of 09: Puked in the bathtub. I was in it.
In a few years, 50 babies 50 states. Like it?
I cant believe that bitch gave me herpes. she said those bumps were just a part of the natural landscape
wait, did she really refer to her vagina as a landscape?
why are you more concerned about her word choice than the fact that I HAVE FUCKING HERPES
the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication
I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"
Just because Aaron is a gender neutral name does not mean I am letting you name your baby after a drug dealer
I just try to date guys based on what I need like I am trying to find an electrician now
You gays are geniuses
The best of us have puked in our office garbage cans. I just hope yours wasn't the metal mesh kind...and bagless like mine. Rock n roll office manager.
There is no sno cone on earth better than alone naked time. Side note: text when you all are headed home.
I hooked up with Spider-Man on the hood of Santas car. I kept saying that he could shoot his web at me. Also I found Waldo. Overall good night.
i chased my gummy vitamins with cold bacon, never say I don't take care of myself
Would seriously like to slash his tires but then I feel like I'd have to deal with him longer.
The cards I get dealt on tinder now are karma for fucking a married man while I was in high school.
is it sad that a disney movie is making me horny?
So my best friends wedding ended with everyone seeing me getting eaten out behind the forbes church. Classy!
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