just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?
pretty standard. you have fun last night?
apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?
typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.
She wouldn't stop telling me the story of the penis and how she got laid.
you were trying to give my penis an indian burn.
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
I looked at him all bewildered and he said, "what? I figured if it was under 30 seconds it'd be free."
apparently i'm really good at getting wasted, having sex all night, getting multiple hickeys and oversleeping father's day brunch. this is the third year its happened.
Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.
You tried to put a condom on my dog, then he ate it.
I had to photo shop your nipple piercings. that was extremely awkward.
I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.
I was about to attempt a citizen's arrest on my RA
Aka reading hardcore gay robot porn as a steady trickle of elementary schoolers walk by me every so often and im still in uniform as there councilor
Who is also still dressed up as a pirate
You threw your body across the gross couple hooking up on the couch and demanded they scratch your back. I love you drunk on peach schnapps
her and her boyfriend kept giving me coke ad kissing me talking about my awesome boobs
You’re not his type
I’ve got blonde hair and great tits. I’m every man’s type
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