I love having hate sex.
saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings
I'm doing shots of crown out of a baby bottle. My friends are sensational parents.
I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?
Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it
okay, please tell me Cammy is the one who put the picture and note on my desk saying "beat off to this homeboy"
at the time it didn't seem likely that you would ever find the cake in your underwear
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
However today I got my lube that might I add was dripping out of the box. I'd like to think my mailman was mixing business with pleasure.
I'm sorry I came to your house drunk and fed pizza to your dog.
It's like my life is one of those movies where after a bunch of outlandish events that only happen in a movie the girl realizes her true life calling and lives a great life with a sexy man of multiple races. But I'm stuck in the fucked up part where 25 year olds come in their pants.
Imma need a double jack on the rocks and a BJowsky from the hot bartender.
Yes I said BJOWSKY. Pronounced "buh jow skii".
So last night I turned down multiple drinks because "I didn't want to hold them". It's time reevaluate my decisions
Rather than admit to myself I've spent $756 at the bar this month, I'm just going to pretend I gave it to a homeless person...kind of makes me feel better.
I just got wasted for $3.50. My life can't get any better.
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