On valentines day I took a girl on a date that I suspect was homeless
i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven
they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.
Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay
he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this
Oh you know, sitting here in my bathing suit watching antiques road show and petting the cat. Just the usual
Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood
Every bathroom has like throw up and like bagels in it. Richie didn't even have bagels.
Half way through sex he whispered in my ear, " your the second best I've ever had" then proceeded to tell me to sit on his face.
There's a guy here who is improvising his own shadow dance on a table against the wall, in case you're wondering how my night is going
And one groomsman rode a suitcase cart like a skateboard until he crashed and took out a piece of sheet rock. Later he pulled out his nuts.
In Punta Cana for my bachelor trip, hopefully tomorrow my passport is blacklisted
So I was just like hi, I'm your roommate's gf. Please don't hate me. That would be rly inconvenient for you.
That last one reminds me of the time we smoked that foot-long joint and by the time we'd finished we were so stoned we applauded it.
what did we do after we left your crib?
you layed down in some rocks for about an hour, you stole some pumpkins, you passed out and started shaking, we got t-bell, we took you back to the dorm.
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