the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable
I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.
He broke up with me by playing Lynyrd Skynyrd "Free Bird".
Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.
I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.
Apparently, his doctor was impressed with how well we took care of his leg. We're like the kings of naked triage.
If I have to masturbate more than twice a week you fail as a fuck buddy. Just so you know...................you failed
I vaguely recall putting a toaster in the freezer.
I genuinely attribute some of my blowjob skills to playing saxophone in highschool
Not now. Out of camp chairs. Carving a new one with a chainsaw. Mushrooms are starting to kick and I gotta get this done NOW.
Only you would consider your best friend fucking your boyfriend to be a sign of everlasting friendship
my dad just liked my status about my bowl being stolen even he feels my pain
How is it that I know 4 different bartenders who won't charge me for drinks, but I can't get laid?
If the amount of time the owner spent looking at my tits is any indication, I’d say I can probably sleep my way to the top
FUCK ME I smuggled weed onto a plane by accident
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