She said I could do whatever I wanted to her. I pumped for 20 seconds, apologized, rolled over and passed out. I sit directly across from her at work. Awkward?
One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm
Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.
That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.
My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."
If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.
See, thats where im at with my life, welcome to the slut yaht we will be cruising comfortably all summer at an extremely drunken relaxing pace S.S. Slut Bucket
You know it's been a successful day when the only reason you put on a bra was to take off your shirt
Oooo yea. You face planted on my bed but only half your body made it so you noodled onto the floor but kept saying prepare to be murdered which is when you started taking your pants off but stopped at your ankles cause it was too hard
its gotten to the point where if her hand isn't on my butt i think we're in a fight
WHITE RUSSIAN BREAKFAST CEREAL.
One day I'm gonna have to send my roommate a "sorry I got high and forgot you were in the room and masturbated next to you" fruit basket
I was gonna be Romantic and write your name in emoji eggplants but A's are hard
Me saying I wish i was a better person + me pretending I don't want to fuck on my period = me lying
My concern for you and peanut butter is the reason I am still awake.
I mean I did fuck her boyfriend, the least I could do is post happy birthday on her Facebook wall.
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