I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.
Making out with married ex girlfriends: priceless
Come over? It's my birthday
How many times has that text failed you tonight?
were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?
yes! wait why?
because i found it in my pocket this morning...
I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?
they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.
Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.
Bailing my boss from jail at five in the morning.. If thats not a promotion I don't what is.
I got really high and googled the history of Amish people for like an hour.
Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.
That dude with the beard walked up to me, turned my water into wine with everclear and kool-aid, and walked away. Pretty sure drunk Jesus is back.
Is Facebook telling the truth about your nipples?!
Normal people find beers in their gym bag, right?
I accidentally just texted my dad asking if he wants to do shrooms with me. Do I leave the city now or...
I get sad thinking about all the sex I’m missing out on because of the virus
I instituted “quarantine and chill” months ago. It’s not like penises go soft just because they’re working at home.
Randomize
