Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.
He just ordered a bottle of Beam at an Italian place for us to share.
He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.
I feel like an ass. I'm not blacking out ever again. I want to clean your feet for a year. Just like Jesus did.
When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?
I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it
It's called "lets see how many European capitals we can do the walk of shame through in one year"
So this tall girl jumped in our cab and I was like hey I have pics of u on my phone. It wasn't creepy at all
I'm not really sure if I peed the bed last night or if the cat was trying to get back at me for using her litter box last weekend
My house smells like bleach. Also, I do not feel bad about all the stuff I stole from the hospital while I was there.
He gave me a beer, petted my head, and called me kiddo.
Thank you for deleting me from Instagram. Also, I'm carrying your child. Happy new year!
He wrote me a Haiku titled, "Let me touch your butt".
He's got a british accent, a tounge ring, and he's wearing an eye patch... Of corse I'm fucking him
You're so sweet in the most vulgar ways
Randomize
