I woke up fully clothed on top of my sheets and i didnt even pee myself..so proud.
best part he said "i like your tattoo" as he walked into the room, stood right there looking at me, naked on top of his friend
he just flicked a booger into my mouth and shouted "goaaaal!"
i feel like when youre not in my profile picture no one knows who i am.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
The bouncer yelled at him for poking at the guy selling roses, I think it's time to leave.
Are some dicks heavier than others? Random question as I'm feeling mine.
I just found a video of you asking to be a whale with me.
Imagine getting smashed in the dick by a basketball. A basketball made of metal. With spikes. That's pretty much what his dick looked like.
this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here
I think the only context in which I'd be comfortable being kidnapped is by a band of baby sloths
Well shit, I would've slept with him if I knew he was gonna be in the draft.
A party without a piñata is not a party I want to attend.
YOUR STATE IS STUPID
Did you miss a turn again?
WHAT FUCKING IDIOT DECIDED TO DESIGN AN ENTIRE FUCKING STATE WHERE YOU CAN'T MAKE A FUCKING LEFT TURN?!? FUCK NEW JERSEY
I forgot to bring soap and all I could find here was body wash. It's like bathing with laundry detergent.
Randomize
