Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?
My wife all of the sudden got markedly better at giving blow jobs. Should I be happy or concerned?
nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase
I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited
I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope
How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"
I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.
and i'm going to kill you for what you did to my nipples last night. of course i want to hang out
Hey remember that spam cooked in dr pepper we made? 10x better when the dr pepper is rum
Haha. Maybe he's one of those feminine men who fucks like a god then makes you fantastic crepes afterwards
I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.
He showed up at my apartment drunk with a telescope wanting me to look at the "blown up star" in -24 degree weather, claiming "it's in the name if science"
I'm glad you don't care about kids. That's one of your better qualities.
Cover your peen. We're going out.
I am literally so hung over that I just opened up my emergency kit, got out a survival meal replacement bar and ate it.
Found my paycheck. It was in the freezer
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