i get drunk faster, i spend less money on food, and i'm losing a shit ton of weight. depression and its pills are doing wonders for me
i asked the cop if we could stop and do a chinese firedrill.... he said no.
I keep telling myself that if Britney can make it through 2007, I can make it through this date.
She was touching herself and looking a shoes online. My debt is bad enough without bringing that hot mess into my life.
I hit a child with a fudge sickle from a moving vehicle after he flipped me off, I feel like a God. Tell no one. My partner didn't see it.
HOW IS IT EARTHLY POSSIBLE TO DO THAT MUCH DAMAGE WITH JUST MY THUMBS?? HOW???
I may or have may not just taken a swig out of a jar of alfedo sauce in my fridge. Dont judge me
Sometimes turtles just really trip me out man
His ex-girlfriend just gave his current girlfriend the heimlach omg omg omg help this is so awkward
It's like God tapped him on the shoulder and said "You are now capable of giving world shattering, tear jerking head."
And that was the night we had mind-blowing sex with the score from Raiders of the Lost Ark blaring on vinyl in the background...
It's not too terrible. You just got a little naked and broke your arm.
Trying to stay sober at a family function but hiccuping so fucking loud. "Have you been drinking?" I hit on my cousin so yeah. I have been drinking.
Don't worry dude, I've created a sex logic bomb to stop that sort of thing.
so this hot guy who looks like brad pitt circa troy era in my physics lab is staring at me right now and it's taking all the willpower I have not to procreate with him right now.
Randomize
