We named our party play list daddy issues
weed, chlorine, and victory. my bed smells like i had sex with michael phelps.
is it possible for your nipples to fall off? if so mine might. they hurt so bad...
you tried to arm wrestle for the title of "mom's favorite son"
Sorry for scaring your son with my drunken animal impressions
bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?
He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water
The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
They just showed up to the party with a shopping cart full stolen of naty ice cans, no boxes, just cans. Shit just got real !
also Jesus you really need to change your diet. I just washed your baby gravy out of my hair and it's so acidic my hair is damaged. You have killer sperm
Remember that time you came over to my house and I was on the porch naked and eating peanut butter?
I'm like a sensual ninja. You turn your head for a second and.... BOOM I'm naked. It's like a naughty magic trick.
For future reference: bathtub full of cheeseburgers = win.
I think i got beer on your cat.
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