so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend
1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps
Sandra Bullock looks like the most recent Michael Jackson
So, Southern Comfort will donate 25 cents for every bottle sold towards Gulf Coast Relief... Can we save the wetlands through my alcoholism?
My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.
just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care
I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.
She left me naked in my bed and without my phone I had her give me her phone number on the calculator on my laptop. It might be fake.
I saw a guy do a line this morning in line to start the 5k, happy thanksgiving!
My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating
It gave me the St Patrick's Day nickname Slutty McShitfaced. I've never felt so understood.
I don't want to be Eskimo brothers with your dad
While all of the skanky girls from the crowd got on stage we screamed fair game and scoped out all their boyfriends, she made out with 2, this is what we call taking advantage of the situation
This is the difference between me and him; he buys you flowers, I buy you a dildo
I lost my wolf penis dildo in my garage. I should probably find it before I resume my garage sale tomorrow...
My son's girlfriend just thanked me for having good penis genes.
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