I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper
He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.
every time I hook up with him I think about the fact that penicillin was a mistake too... and look how well that turned out. It makes me feel just a little bit better.
The chick I went home with last night had a happy trail
Seeing him suck some chick's face on VH1 wasn't exactly how I imagined the "we should see other people" conversation going.
Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight
THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.
i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP
I'm not going to pass up the opportunity to be half naked and covered in glitter without facing judgement or legal prosecution. I'll be there.
We got drunk and crashed a fifty year old woman's birthday party for the food. Whoops.
You may have gone on a date, but I ate chicken nuggets shaped like dinosaurs for dinner tonight. I think we both know who the real winner is here.
That's a beautiful sentiment.
Accidentally made a bowl of macaroni and cheese with a bottle of vodka. It's not that bad
It was great. We stayed up all night talking about objects he'd put in his theoretical vagina.
Did you finish that presentation yet?
No but don’t worry about it. I do my best work in the middle of the night. I’m like a hamster.
Who fucking spams baby shark at a sports bar
Three cheers for handling my crush on my boss in an entirely reasonable manner, by having a threesome with my coworkers.
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