cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you
I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now
oh my god. the driver of our party bus just said "no drugs unless you're sharin," my confidence in him is not high at the moment
God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number
i was gonna do a lot worse than just throw cat food on you while you were passed out, but then you sleep vomited and i felt a little bad
Dude, fuck the siberian warm up. You can't put vodka in hot chocolate. Learn from my mistakes
Judging by the fact that he asked me if i wanted to serenade him using cocaine and Taylor Swift I'd say I so have it in the bag.
And that's why we do second round interviews for possible roommates.
I mentioned your name at this party and some girl started crying.
Found a phone out last night at the bar. EPIC homemade porn vids on it!
There's a whistle here and I just want to play my whistle song on it.
I thought he was foreign, but it turns out when you're that drunk, an Ohio accent just sounds Russian.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
Nothing ruins an orgasm faster than accidentally calling out his boss's name
She pulled out a water gun filled with vodka and called it her weapon of choice tonight. She's fine.
Randomize
