Would you let Jessica Biel poop in front of you to see her naked...but you have to wipe her too?
Why do i always get involved with 3 women at once?
Because life brings drama and thus like moths to a flame, women
Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am
i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin
I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.
Just got a voicemail from a guy referring tp himself "as chest hair guy". If I'm coming home to a intervention I understand.
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
It was the highest I'd ever been. I felt like a blob. A blob eating a burrito.
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I mean, I already saw his dick in person and wasn't impressed so why is he sending me a picture of it, anyway? I hate re-runs!
i just has to use a gift card to Target that one of my students parents got me to buy Plan B bc my bank account is -$0.08 so my 2017 is starting exactly how i pictured.
He seems like a nice guy. I mean, I know he's married and he's essentially paying me to be his side hoe, but he really seems like a good person.
We were making eye contact while i was throwing up.
i woke up with a shamrock tattoo on my wrist and a fat bruise on my hipbone. please tell me its not real.
Listen, yo... we need to have a serious conversation about this Dollar Store toilet paper. Because if I’m going to finger someone’s ass, it’s not going to be my own.
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