no one will drink with you if you continue to listen to beyonce
I miss seeing your mom and dad at church, well mostly just your mom... She used to hug my face into her boobs.
she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.
The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.
A simple 'no' would have sufficed
his penis was the training wheels of my sex life
He measures volume by how much weed he can put in it and surface area by how many people can have sex in it.
Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor
Well my door is unlocked for you, I'll be in the bathtub drinking a pre-mixed bottle of margarita until I forget the degree to which my life sucks.
You need to be more adventurous.
I am! Just not in a "I wanna get diseases" way
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
You texted me the words "butt stuff" 53 times in a four hour period last night.
He used the term 'cock-staggering' in an email. So needless to say things are going pretty well.
I'm eating year old chocolate from the trash can. It was in a ziploc bag but still, this is a new low. Help me.
still drunk.please come get me.he kicked me out because i couldn't stop laughing about passing out in the middle of taking his virginity.
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
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