We got bored. So we went to planned parenthood to stare at everyone who made worse decisions than us last night.
How do I say to her "Have you eaten mango lately because my penis had an allergic reaction"
I love her so much that if I could have sex with her I wouldn't cuz my dick would feel out of place in such a perfect body/vagina
we've been at disney 20 seconds and she already got the cops called over
We were making out and then he stopped and said to me, "Your ship is right there, why don't you take your people and just go?"
i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away
Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?
Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.
Doctor just prescribed me 20mg Ritalin 3 times a day. It's becoming the "grain and oats" section of my food triangle.
Make me a sandwich
The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.
my dad just paid them in porn...i no longer feel guilty for getting hammered and not helping
I'd like to stay optimistic, but I have this nagging suspicion my penis is in for a disappointing holiday weekend.
Yeah I mean I think I need to stop living off of snacks and alcohol
I bought Plan B for the first time and an interview outfit today. You could say my life is improving.
I miss my bedroom and my bed and being able to spray myself with my choice of 15 different perfumes so I don't have to wake up to the smell of my past sins
Randomize
