When you wake up, I have rum and am in town
They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.
In my defense, last night's hookup turned out to be my actual girlfriend. That's gotta count for something, right?
We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back
I just found out that I slept with Kate Gosselin's publicist back in June . Brb I have to wash myself endlessly.
Just got back from the tanning beds. I'm a lobster. I fear for the safety of my nipples falling off.
i woke up to you and that girl going out onto the balcony naked
oh sorry man.. we went outside because we DIDN'T want to wake you
If you get home and there is an older woman there, its my mom. She wants to come and see the place after work. Just an FYI. Not the older sluts I bang.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
True friendship: When you can hold your best friend's hair and still eat your Stromboli at the same time.
Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.
Our office went out together for the first time to celebrate the fact our coworker got fired.
He just kept pissing on the couch as we were yelling at him while he repeatedly told us "its going to be okay".
yeah. i tried to refuse to leave unless the burger king himself escorted me out. that didnt fly
Then you screamed in her face to shut up about thick thighs saving lives because actually they can suffocate people during oral sex
Drunk me is very safety conscious And apparently just as annoyed by her as sober me
Randomize