apparently vodka and oj turns green when you throw it up
basic color theory
Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.
When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.
For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.
I sent him pictures of just me in my thong and he replied "you're so sweet, you make me feel special <3".... Oh.
He puked over my shoulder into the toilet. The guy in the next stall sounded totally appalled.
Between the puerto rican elf, the fat marine, the deaf guy and the ex coke head I've got a good preview if the men in this city...
I hope you get your threesome on vday. I'll probably get flowers and a candlelit dinner. trade you. I wish this guy was more of a slut and had less of a heart. I would like 2 dicks please fuck your flowers!
Awk. Hanging with her while messaging her ex about sex injuries he gave me
Nothing says "we're never gonna bone" like "nice haircut, it makes you look like my cousin"
He staggered in with his pants around his ankles and yelled that he lost his pants
I had the hottest doctor assess me at the hospital. He smelled like heaven and sex.
I'm glad our friendship can withstand laughing mid-blowjob during the diarrhea scene in Dumb & Dumber.
How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?
You can either drink his whiskey or be a bitch. Doing both is just mean.
Randomize
