I thought all girls wanted is to get a boner
you want to re-phrase that?
My mom walked down and caught me drinking by myself, watching the nanny at 3:30AM. I had no idea what to say
Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning
come onnn, where's your sense of adventure?!
I left it in that guy's dorm room.
so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.
I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.
I stand by my new policy.
That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.
I fell asleep on the floor again. i dont want help, just a pillow. its kind of nice down here.
I'm still getting random messages from guys about my Halloween outfit. Electrical tape is coming back next year
When I watch porn and jerk off like 95% of the time Iron Chef is on in the background...
We're doing a team debriefing of Saturday night in group text right now. As 75% of the female presence at that party we saw some shit.
That's true because who the fuck doesn't love Harry Potter and beer
Her name was Danica but I felt like it would be hard to say drunk so I called her Shelby
probably because i sent a bunch of guys a snap saying happy one year to my nipple piercings
Just trying to show you I care.
Isn't it supposed to be "what would you like for dinner?" instead of "how do you take your blow?"
Hey, you're the one who asked me to mc to move in.
Randomize
