I wanna wear you like a flannel shirt
i woke up on my kitchen floor, halfway through a text, and my mascara running... this is why i stopped drinking tequila
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.
omg dinner turned into a foam party this is weiriiid
You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.
I lost it last night. That was humiliating. Cincinnati is now covered in my puke.
I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.
Showed up to family party blacked out and in a turkey costume. I'd say thanksgiving was a success.
People were wondering why I started hanging out with him after high school, the simple answer is now that I don't see his dorky ness everyday I can just focus on his amazing penis.
There's so much mac and cheese stuck to my foot right now
yeah it's a weird friendship. we pretend that we're automatic besties but i know we both know i slept with her boyfriend
Just a reminder- you dropped broccoli in my car and then felt bad for it and named him Henry
I know. I miss henry.
Lies! You took my virginity, and now my cigarettes!
Can I come over and get it in, take a nap in ur bed, grab some poptarts and then leave?
You haven't lost that air of class about you...
Randomize
