So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
I just found a babydoll head in my sink where we ripped it off and did shots out of it.
Please don't tell me I was shouting "I'm bleeding from my vagina" in front of my ex-boyfriend and his new girlfriend.
i honestly don't know why someone didn't cut me off after i broke the ceiling lamp with MY HEAD
I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.
we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.
Yeah I just gotta do it so that my major doesn't find out. Doesn't look good having a stripper teach your 3rd grader
I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.
He said I kept trying to give him directions back to my house in Rhode Island, and that I started crying when he told me I live in Phoenix.
I immediately regret the tequila decision.
I'm just trying my hardest not to get addicted to drugs or pregnant and all your other friends are out there getting married
The struggle bus has heated seats and stops at Dunkin on Friday mornings so I'll be okay.
Do me a favor and scream dirty things at him in a polite sexy, come hither way
dude, you ran into a window then asked ME what the fuck I was doing.
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