The savings from $3 shots still doesn't add up to plan-b
I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf
And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.
There's half of a squirrel in the bathtub - i figured you'd be the one to go to.
I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?
The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now
he called us the olsen twins. we also rapped ignition much to his dismay.
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
My chiropractor just high fived me for getting drunk enough to throw my back out this weekend.. Life. Complete.
no, you don't understand how much people deal here. All I had to say was "hey lets buy a bag" and he pulled over instantly, then the randoms in the car behind us pulled over and sold us a bag.
He offered me free drinks all night if I could beat him in a drinking race. I blacked out after that but just found his credit card in my bra so there's that.
You were leaning against a fire hydrant asking people if they wanted to buy free pocket peanuts from you.
So the vodka/tequila mix went down fine but the burp made me cry
Randomize
