Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone
He felt like a one man threesome
Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.
You make shower sex sound like waterboarding
Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?
Are you high?
My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.
I opened a jar of Ragu so I could use it as a cup. You tell me how it's going.
I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"
Stop drinking at work.
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
I feel like we should at least be hungover if we're gonna be this grown up.
Yea, she's 42 I'm 23. Girls our age are terrible. All they need is a divorce and a bottle of wine
I woke up to an alarm on my phone that said "Buy Plan B" and then the guy offered me a hairbrush... which seemed polite at the time
I'm sending midget strippers dressed as bull fighters with mini bottles of 1800 to your house. Already made the call. Jer is going halves on it. Can't be stopped! Won't be stopped!
I'm graduating college in 4 days. I already miss the bad decisions
and i walked downstairs to find my brother using nunchucks, and making the appropriate noises. i simply asked "why"; his reply? "why the fuck do you think?". i love my family.
Randomize
