is there an easy way to say "i didnt plan on sleeping with you until i saw how drunk you were" ?
i forgot what you looked like. so we left to get pizza. sorry
My financial advisor pointed out that 37% of my income is currently going towards "non-essential food items"
That's banker lingo for "you're an alcoholic"
He was singing Justin Beiber while we did it. I love secure Spanish men
ya she's here .. it looks like she just gave up and passed out on the floor
I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.
It is way too early in the summer for me to be coming into work still drunk.
I had a girl last night tell me that she was happy to find a condom wrapper in my garbage because,and I quote, "well at least you're not raw dogging every slore that crosses your path"
I wish drunk me wasn't so into manscaping. Or at least good at it. Either or really
Wait.....I ate a raw potato lastnight.
This is seriously fucking awkward. My favorite sex scene just started and my dad's still here. He offered me Cheetos.
as I was leaving in the morning with his clothes on his roommate pops up and goes 'don't you dare steal that shirt, i gave it to him for his birthday'.
He shit with the door open. I think that means we are in a realtionship.
You woke up, looked straight at me and screamed "fuck barbara streisand!" and passed out again
our moms work together...I can just see the conversation now, hey your daughter ruined my sons marriage, that's probably how it will start.
Randomize
