I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.
why do all canadians talk like horny gerbils are stuck in their throats?
Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...
if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.
You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.
some people spend their whole lives trying to find their soulmate. who knew mine was hiding in utah successfully balancing a pageant career and a coke habit.
Also I've come to learn that "type" and "fetish" are different things. Apologies for earlier confusion.
I got propositioned to get involved with an engaged couple. I told them I didn't think my married couple would like me to see other couples...
Every guy I've ever fucked is single right now
Pray for me
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
You're having marijuana delivered to you. You're buying drugs and you aren't even leaving the house. I'm sure he'll be surprised if you're NOT wearing a bathrobe.
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Oh? And how would you explain this to your kids?
"Well pumpkin, when mommies and daddies have loved each other so much for a really long time, sometimes they trade off with other mommies and daddies"
Fuck. I think I can already feel tomorrow's hangover. It's like future me cane back to warn present me about the impending doom but didn't turn the time dial back far enough.
If I'm getting through this pandemic I'm doing it drunk.
Randomize