You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?
so i was eating a special k bar this morning for breakfast and started choking on it so i reached into my bag for water turns out it was liquor.
you told his mom that the only thing he wants for christmas is his dick in your mouth
you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it
Come 10 years my vagina won't look like this. I must cherish it
Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you
He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.
I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.
I peed on his girlfriend's loofah during our post-sex shower.
The maid moved your bed and found almost 40 used condoms and wrappers. She just looks at me and says "Dave?"
Like what did he say to his host family? The girl I causally sleep with on the weekends is coming over?! And they thought "well lets feed her dinner"
We exchanged spring break stories last night. Open relationships are the best.
I fell asleep giving a handjob, had a sex dream about giving a handjob, and woke up giving a handjob. Life.
Seriously, I really just burned my nipple making ravioli.. I'd explain, but no reasoning makes this acceptable:/
I can handle him. I'm made of spite and hot wings.
Randomize
