The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it
We call that spaghetti Os
its a sex-hate relationship...no love involved
[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]
this is really not the time to pretend we have morals
I'm a little upset you wasted 3 beers on your wet tee shirt contest.
So mom called me from the hospital laughing her ass off. Apparently my sister is allergic to cocaine...
I threw up in a mitten on my drive home. Wow.
Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.
This chick had a condom box organized by size with dividers that glowed in the dark.
Today would have been my 8th wedding anniversary and I woke up with a hot European guy in my bed. Divorce has it's perks.
Remember earlier when I was excited about finding that birth control pill in my purse? Definitely acid.
You really need to not quote Anchorman while I'm giving you a serious blowjob.
You took acid last night and I’m up early to go to the grand opening of a new TJMaxx by my house. We couldn’t be more perfect.
HEY I WILL KIDNAP THE FUCK OUT OF YOUR PET GOAT
Randomize
