Hey when I die alone will you come by often enough so that my cats don’t eat my face?
I can't believe you blew on her face.
I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.
That ginger could cleveland steamer me and it would still be the best day of my life
You kept buying everyone Washington apple shots, and telling us we needed to support local produce.
no really all good couples have similar hair colors!
Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?
six.
Oh, I thought it was higher.
No, that would be the Matt's
Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice
I have minimal recognition and a lot of burns on my tongue and my vagina hurts.
Teflon bitches. Nothing fucking sticks to this kid, not even a kid. Maury Povitched this shit outta that situation.
gona look into getting a tetanus booster and carrying an adrenaline shot...its going off this weekend
I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college
Aren't you gay?
IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME
He just said his penis sings like Mariah Carey...Im going with drunken.
Who else will cuddle and watch the Bachelor with me then finger bang me during the rose ceremony
I'm keeping him.
Sex was good?
I had to tap out three times. There aren't words for how much better than "good" that is.
Come home... I’m drinking and playing with knives
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