Your dad touched me again.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
I think I have swimmer's ear. From his tongue.
my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".
There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.
also, just kill me. literally hit me with a vehicle, or an aircraft, something that will ultimately make me forget tonight.
Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...
You got in the cab and told the cab driver "we only have seven bucks so you better drive fucking fast".
Long story short he broke into a preschool and threw all their cones into a tree.
He called me baby cakes during sex... Can U not
Dude I was walking down the street and threw up in a plastic cvs bag. Tequila wins again.
Pssh I just bang a girl in a single person tent. Thats like the back seat of a sedan.
after you got high, you started to make guac with your bare hands and said: "there's soda bubbles in my legs"
I find celibacy oppressive. Huge waste of my time and talents.
Leaves on the ground. Coffee in one hand and your man in my other. Lovely fall morning.
Randomize
