i wanna stay in my bed and fart for a few more hours
Just found two Xanax on the floor at the tanning bed. And yes, Im taking them...looks like going to get cancer is paying off
Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car
Last night must have been awesome, my dog still smells like vomit.
If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them
I can't decide if the sex was so good I couldn't move, or if it was me being loaded on all the morphine that they shot me up with at the ER.
Do you ever feel like your dog agrees with you? Like REALLY really agrees.
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?
Helmets.
my cockatiel has aquired a taste for beer. I should not be allowed to own exotic pets.
I just realized in a weird reversed way I hustled a stripper last night
I got a 5/5 with my "I don't want a baby" rant essay. She said my use of the word "leeches" was a powerful metaphor :)
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
We literally laid down in the back of my car and had sex in a parking lot and it was in the top 3 best moral-less decisions I've made.
She was drunk, dancing on the table. Until the table leg completely broke off and she fell on the ground and broke her front tooth straight off. Worse news is there making her pay for the table
Randomize
