Plan A DEFINITELY worked... Go with me to get Plan B??
I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"
I have pictures of you scratching against the sliding glass door on your knees screaming how you felt like a lamb.
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.
He wants me to hook up with his fiance while he watches. Text you later with how it goes.
Well I just had a 45 minute conversation with a lady who was drunk off her ass complaining about how her 3 sons won't talk to her anymore. No more dive bars.
why am i naked
you took off your clothes at the party and some guy took them home
She's currently doing somersaults across the kitchen floor without underwear on. We may not make it to the bar.
he gave me a flinstones gummy vitamin and was like, "ya know.. because of ebola."
He said he remembers me...standing on a snowy roof, smoking a blunt, yelling "you're pretty fly for a white guy" at him. Sounds about right.
If anybody had to puke on my shoes, I'm glad it was you.
in fetal position in his closet not sure if he knows im here... hugging his spongebob cake pan i stole.... now please come find me..
i don't know what it is about you being around kids that makes me want to screw your brains out
That is the creepiest and also the sexist thing you've ever said
i think it's like a sexual celebration of not having kids
Jack said he hasn't jerked off in like two weeks and he's like a smoldering volcano who wants to bury you like Pompeii with his man gravy
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